The Order: 1886 has been criticised since the first reviews of the game were released due to it’s length. Every reviewer has commented that the Victorian Werewolf Murder-fest was far too short and it needed even more Werewolf murdering. Now – not only do we hate people who murder Werewolves here at Fully ‘Avin It we – but also don’t just carelessly jump on any bandwagon that the traditional games media/Twitter/YouTubers make and pedal, no sir.
In fact we strongly believe that The Order: 1886 should have been considerably shorter and we are going to tell you why.
1. The International Obesity Crisis
Most of our readers are from a country that’s caught up in a ‘fat-person epidemic’. People are spending far too much time in front of their TV’s consuming digital media of all kinds. If The Order: 1886 was a couple of hours shorter that that would mean one less child becoming clinically obese.
The kid in this image was clinically anorexic before he played through Skyrim’s 100 hour story. Be careful what you wish for. That’s right – the person pictured above is actually eleven years old. That’s what a long campaign does to you.
2. Animal Cruelty
If the ‘real’ media has taught us anything it’s that people who play video games have literally no idea that they are works of fiction; we all know that if you ever even touch Grand Theft Auto you will immediately become a serial rapist and/or murder. So what will happen to all the real werewolves in the world if we add extra hours in which gamers hunt these majestic creatures down?
We’ll tell you: the species will go extinct. Think we’re exaggerating? Then ask yourself – how many werewolves have you seen in your neighborhood this week? less than seven? Exactly – they’re already an endangered species, so tread carefully.
3. The Order: 1886 Causes Global Warming
Video game consoles require electricity, which comes from fossil fuels. Therefore video games are killing the Earth. If we shave a few hours off the campaign of every triple-a game, we can save at least one Polar Bear every year.
Do you hate Polar Bears? Then stop complaining about the length of the campaign, you heartless little shit.
4. Not Everyone Has Five Hours to Play Through a Game
I’m not sure about you but my life is full of other things that I should be doing other than playing video games; work, seeing the other half, side projects, keeping fit. We just don’t have time to play through fifteen hour games anymore and if you do then, well, you should be doing more with your life. It’s the same reason that the next Final Fantasy game is only going to be two hours long.
5. There are Better Games to be Played
The Order: 1886 isn’t a game that really sets the world of video games alight. It doesn’t really innovate or bring anything new to the table (apart from next-gen moustaches). So, if the game was only a couple of hours long it would mean that people could be playing better, less time consuming games like Journey or Dark Souls 2.
So there you have it, three reasons why The Order: 1886 should have been shorter.
If you don’t agree with us (and I have no idea why you wouldn’t) then let us know why in the comments.