For some reason everyone’s treating TLOU’s re-release as if Jesus himself has popped his beardy face out of the clouds for a second coming. People are buying it all over again, and this
ploy to make more money from an over-hyped game sincere move to make a great product for gamers is hitting its target. It takes more, though, to impress us cool cats at Fully ‘Avin It. We’re so ahead of the curve that we’re already thinking about what we expect to see from the Re-Re-Master.
1. Give Joel more Super-Powers
Joel’s Dad was a bat and his mother was a German U-Boat – hence his inexplicable super-hearing mechanic. We would like to give Joel more super-powers, because why the fuck not? In TLOU Re-Re-Mastered, we expect joel to have the following abilities:
• 15th-bulletproof (every 15th bullet won’t hurt him)
2. Joel and Ellie to have a child together
Everyone seems to think Joel and Ellie are the best characters ever invented, so we feel they should bump uglies and make some special children. Who also have weird radar-hearing.
These cosplayers get the idea. Just imagine the footage the camera in their bedroom will get tonight! How can you look at the above picture and not feel happy?
3. More exaggerated quotes from IGN, Eurogamer and Destructoid
Maybe they should scrap the quotes altogether, and instead have a picture of a Eurogamer Mascot wanking Joel off on the front cover of the game.
4. Joel gets a proper knife
We think it would be awesome if, after more than 20 years in the post-apocalyptic world, Joel would suddenly realize that he could carry a normal knife around with him, rather than building a shit knife every 15 minutes using twigs and berries.
5. Uncharted 4
That’s all I want from you, Naughty Dog. Stop wasting time re-remastering a game that took Uncharted’s core and then stripped away everything about it that we liked. Just give us Uncharted 4, please.