EDITORIAL: Fully ‘Avin It Officially Calls For Iwata to be Admitted for Psychiatric Help

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Today, Iwata has made the news with yet another ludicrous claim that Nintendo can leapfrog their way back to being a real console contender. Rather than write an entire article pointing out just how unfathomably moronic that notion is – we’d instead like to lovingly ask if the time has come for Mr Iwata to be locked away – for his own safety.

DISCLAIMER: We don’t want to hear Nintendo apologists try to defend the drowning company as being “different” or “unique” or “not a fair comparison to Playstation”. None of you were saying that during the N64’s heyday. The time for that discussion was probably 2009.

Remember, Nintendo is a big company that employs a lot of people around the world. Those people have families, children, dogs and things like that. If Iwata continues down this clearly disturbed path, many of these people will be jobless before this decade is out.

I’ve gone on record before as saying that “There will be a Super Mario game on PlayStation 5″, and nothing has happened recently to change my stance on that. You may think this is an over-reaction, or just another example of the satire this site tries to peddle. But no, I am dead serious.

Think about this: Nintendo released a current-gen gaming system the very year that generation was due to end. After 6 disappointing months, the Wii U was doomed to sink further into irrelevance when it’s generation was superseded by Playsation 4/Xbox One architecture.

Just think about that for a second: that is literally the very worst thing a console manufacturer can do. Sega went out of business because the Dreamcast was released with a similarly odd generational schism; it was similar or more powerful to its contemporaries at release, but just a few months later a new generation began with Playsation 2 and Xbox.

It did not matter how much of a nostalgia erection people had for Sonic, they died as a legitimate contender. I would argue that Nintendo are already dead in that regard. To mention them in the same conversation as PS4/XB1 is just stupid. You immediately have to get all defensive and start explaining why “it’s different”.

Only it’s not. And shut up about the success of the Wii – that was a gimmick that they’d never be able to repeat. You want proof? Well – did your gran buy a Wii U just like she bought a Wii? Nope.

And now Iwata has the gumption to stand in front of the world and say – and I quote:

“Following the generally accepted theory on platform lifecycles, it is natural for you to presume that the sales of Nintendo 3DS will drop X per cent each year or we cannot expect a huge increase in Wii U sales. “On another front, we have witnessed one single software title completely change the entire picture of our business many times.”

This man – this crazy individual – he actually thinks that one big game could turn the Wii U into a market leader. He needs to be locked up for the good of his employees.

First up – the ‘one game’ he’s referring to is Pokémon. A game that came out on a hand-held system, not a home console system. Second – that happened over two decades ago. Back then people didn’t buy in to a whole architecture of online commitment like they do today. There was no concept of “my friends list” and “years of built up trophies and gamer-score”. You’re not going to release a single game on the Wii U that changes its fortune, I don’t care what game it is.

Third and final – and somewhat ironically – how dare he cite Pokémon of all things? Pokémon is a game he has gone on record as refusing to release a proper console version of, because he prefers it on hand-held systems. It doesn’t matter how many people want to see a HD, beautifully made Pokémon RPG on the Wii U – he himself said it will never happen because “reasons”.

We would like to go on record now and officially call for Satoru Iwata to be taken into custody pending a full psychiatric evaluation.

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