There’s been growing discontent in the gaming industry recently. A noisy and controversial launch for the Xbox One and PS4 has steadily died down over the last 18 months, leaving most with little to mock on Twitter. Least of all 2015 game trailers.
Usually March and April are rife with E3 speculation; wondering which of the upcoming games we’ll see demonstrated – so that we can proceed to tell everyone why they’re shit. Call of Duty is a usual dead cert; we’ll likely see the Black Ops 3 reveal in late April or early may. Although – at this point a gamer mocking a Call of Duty trailer is like kicking the school cripple while he struggles to reach his carton of milk.
Here at Fully ‘Avin It we usually write our articles in the form of terrible satire. But today we’re taking a break to list out a few of the big announcements we expect in 2015, and the reasons people will instantly mock them. Make sure you heck back periodically through the year to see how right we were.
Black Ops 3
At some point this year, Treyarch will inevitably announce a sequel to Black Ops 2. They’re the next developer on the list, and the previous Black Ops titles were too successful for a greedy publisher like Activision not to milk. Mark our words, by the end of 2015 the shooter’s teat will have run dry, naught remaining save strangle marks near the nipples.
The only thing in life more certain than death, taxes, and the inevitable yearly release of another Call of Duty, is twitter hatred toward said game. Here’s the things you can expect to see your fellow gamers pick on:
- Aaaaaaaahahahahah Call of Duty
- Real gamers don’t play this, amarite?
- Battlefield is better
- What happened to the Exosuits?
- [something something]Zombies.
- Call of Duty is getting old now.
Technically this game is already announced, but rest assured that when a new trailer is released the internet will find a way to tell you it’s dumb. To be honest we found Nathan’s next-gen face to be a little strange, but nothing for us to jump on our soapbox about. If only we lived in a world where restraint was commonplace.
Even the name, “A Thief’s End”, is just begging for some sarcastic dick-weed to insert the word “Bell” strategically. The game is slated to be released this year, so expect to see some sarcasm-worthy media coverage any moment now.
Here’s an idea of the sort of thing you can expect to see on twitter around the time:
- They should have left it at 3
- Where is The Last of Us 2?
- Why does Drake look so weird?
- I bet he still doesn’t have sex with that blonde lass.
Mass Effect 4
Mass Effect 3 was one giant ending. We’d argue that the ending to mass effect was at least 20 hours long based on content spanning that third title. So for people to complain about the last 10 minutes of that ending is – in our opinion – like complaining at a slightly gone-off cherry on top of a gigantic chocolate cake. Shut up and enjoy the cake!
Here are the things people are inevitably going to whine about when the game gets some attention at E3:
- It will never be as good as Mass Effects 1-3
- I hated the last 10 minutes of Mass Effect 3 so I hate this game already.
- They better not shoe-horn multiplayer in again.
- Fuck EA.
Gears of War 4
It’s a great time right now for Gears 4 to appear on the horizon. The Gears series earned its metal by proving what the advanced horsepower of the Xbox 360 could do. It was that game you pointed to and said “that’s what’s awesome about these new consoles. Wouldn’t it be nice for Gears to do the same again?
Not if the internet has anything to say about it. Here’s what we think they will say:
- It’s the same as the last game.
- I own a Playstation 4.
- It’s not made by Cliff’s dripping penis so we’re not bothered.