Football: This Week’s Winners & Losers

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So the weekend just gone saw the eagerly anticipated return of the Premier League to our teleboxes. Lineker’s great ears, Neville’s awesome analysis and Owen’s dulcet (or just plain dull) tones are here for the next 10 months and a lot of people are very, very happy about it.

Naturally we understand that football isn’t just limited to the Premier League, so here are this weekend’s winners and losers from world football.


The inaugural fixture of the Premier League saw a revitalised Manchester Utd host Swansea. The hype and build-up surrounded the appointment of Van Gaal and his 3-5-2 that was apparently going to blitz all before them. Nope. Swansea were disciplined and quick-thinking throughout, nullifying Van Gaal’s tactics so much he went to 4 at the back at half time. Goals from Ki and Sigurdsson saw Swansea win 2-1 and register their first ever league win at Old Trafford. Boom.

Erik Cummins
Not many people would have heard of Go Ahead Eagles goalkeeper Erik Cummins, what a lovely name by the way, but he is enjoying life by scoring goals from 90 yards out and then acting all nonchalant about it. What a dude.

Fabian Klos
Everyone really misses Paul Scholes these days, well, not really as he’s constantly chipping in his two pennies worth on every tabloid back page going. But for those who miss the days where he used to score some lovely goals from corners, I give you Fabian Klos.

Mr. Pitch Invader The world is teeming with full kit wankers, recently I saw a kid in the full, pink Real Madrid away kit. The kit was a bit redder after I was done with him. There was an even bigger prick this weekend at the Madrid game but he somehow reaches a winning status by trying to merge in with the Madrid players at a corner. Skin tight.   


Keisuke Honda
Usually well known for his great technique and indeed Honda scored a damn fine free-kick this weekend, however he was also hilariously shit at taking a corner.

Haha. Pretty funny right? So it’s safe to say that the corner was pretty awful and he’s no doubt learned from his mistakes and will never do anything that awful again ever right? Right?!! Wrong.


I didn’t even need to watch Nani this weekend to know how garbage he was because this kid sums up how he played perfectly.

Brandao & Thiago Motta   So Brandao comes off the pitch against PSG and waits idly in the tunnel thinking ‘Man I could really do with connecting my head with something in a few seconds…ah this ugly chap who I definitely hate for no reason looks pefect…

Brandao even had the decency to run away like a sissy girl into the changing rooms – Big fat ban coming his way while Thiago Motta has a lovely broken nose.

Ashley Young

So if you have twitter and check it at least every hour you’d have noticed a gazillion vines of Ashley Young somehow catching some bird shit or wayward spittle into his bottom lip

That’ll teach you for moaning at your teammates.

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