Social Media Can Be Used to Punish Children Instead of Spanking, Scientists Claim

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Scientists at the McBritish Institute have released findings from a new study which claims that passive aggressive jabs on social media may be more effective punishment than physically assaulting them.

The traditional way of raising children is once again being called into question. The age old method of physical abuse has long been the lynchpin of the western world, dating back to Biblical guidance like “spare the rod, spoil the child”. As rod technology has advanced in terms of tensile strength and beats-to-rod-ratio, it seemed as if beating children would forever be the accepted way of teaching them.

However, this new research suggests that belittling them on social media may be up to 3 times more effective.

Half the parents in the experiment were given access to their child’s Facebook and Twitter accounts. The other half were given metal rods, as per Bible instructions. When a child misbehaved, the Facebook parents would update their child’s status to say “[Timmy] is…being a total cock-end”, or words to that effect. The Facebook parents would also go ‘like’ random bikini pics of their female schoolmates.

The results were simply astonishing. Out of 300 children in the Facebook group, all 300 survived without injury, and all 300 said on a survey that if this continued they’d probably stop being little shits. However, of the 300 ‘traditional’ kids, only 299 survived, of which 71 suffered ‘substantial’ injury. On the survey, less than a third of those children promised to behave themselves. Most of them indicated that they were “in the mood to throw their fists up”.

This research goes against all common sense, and we’ll be interested to follow the scientists at the McBritish Institute as they progress to their next experiment: can internet sarcasm cause cancer?

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below.

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